The Law of Priorities in Marriage

John Maxwell gave us The Law of Priorities in his revolutionary book, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership. This fabulous “law” applies to every area of our lives when it comes to priorities: leadership, career, and relationships.

So how can we apply The Law of Priorities to our marriages?

1. What is required?

What is my role as a husband or a wife? Culture and society have defined and redefined some characteristics of husband and wife within the marriage relationship. A hundred years ago men were considered the breadwinners of the home and women were clearly the managers of the home and primary caretakers of the children. Today those roles might be reversed, and these roles are defined differently in each relationship. However, there are roles that have been given to us by God’s Word that supersede anything defined by culture or society. Husbands are to love their wives with a sacrificial love, the love shown us by Christ himself, a love that has no conditions, no boundaries, no limitations. And wives are to respect their husbands by supporting him, showing appreciation to him, preferring him, and encouraging him in his role as a husband that has been defined by the two of them.

2. What gives the greatest reward?

When a husband and wife operate within their strengths, they enjoy a rewarding relationship. Because strengths are different in relationships, each couple has to define and negotiate roles that utilize these strengths. The organizer usually keeps the calendar, pays the bills, and plans events. The hospitable partner hosts the parties, and makes sure their guests are comfortable. The morning person prepares breakfast and gets the kids on the school bus, and the night owl makes sure homework is complete and backpacks are ready for the next day. Marriage is a partnership, and there are many roles that husband and wife negotiate, using their strengths to maintain a rewarding relationship.

3. What brings the greatest reward?

What energizes the relationship and keeps you passionate about being married? It is important to study your spouse and speak their love language. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman clearly spells out how emotional love is best expressed: through quality time, gifts, affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. While all five of these are important, they have a level of importance that is unique to each individual. The spouse who values quality time can be energized by sitting together over a cup of coffee and sharing on an emotional level, or surprising him with a getaway weekend. The spouse who enjoys gifts feels loved when given something wrapped with a bow, especially if it is given at a time when it is not expected. Words of affirmation are like honey to the person who likes to be appreciated. Holding hands or offering a back rub can turn an ordinary day into a special occasion for the one who craves physical touch. Washing the dishes, folding a load of laundry speaks volumes to the person who enjoys acts of service.

In summary, where is your marriage in the law of priorities? Are you doing what is required, what gives the greatest reward, or what brings the greatest reward? If not, today is a good day to begin.

About the Author

Cindy Jacob Southworth is a marriage and relationship coach, certified through the American Assn of Christian Counselors and a member of the International Christian Coaching Assn.